Aaaaaaaaand We're Back! :: Week 14

Just like an AMC drama returning from a strangely timed and unexpected hiatus, we're back just in time to take a look at the state of the league during the final playoff run! I'll only say this about the long gap between the week 1 and week 14 post. Something happens when you turn 40 and your thoughts turn to the downward slope of the arc of a human life, namely one's own, and through that lens you begin to examine how much of your precious little time has been spent trash talking your friends in print. Many beers were had. But, I've cut through the malaise of middle age and am now prepared to take on so many more meaningless tasks as we all polish the brass on the Titanic together!

But back to Football! Let's take a gander at where we all stand, just two weeks out from the week 16 Semifinals.

At 3-10, IfYaSmellWhatDalvinisCooking, aka Justin Mendoza is sniffing rock bottom, and in real peril of suffering the consequences of this website's seven followers' most sinister plans for punishment. I don't know if ya'll smell that, but I believe that's the distinct scent of a turd sandwich Justin's been carefully preparing for the last three months. I won't spend the time to look deeper into this festering fecal log of a team (like I said, I'm 40 now and I'd rather spend those 3 minutes doing something productive, like watering my rock garden), but with a roster that includes Brady, Hopkins, Cook, Allen, and AJ Brown, I can only assume that Justin's recipe for success was taken from Adam Gase's cook book, "Now we're cooking with GAS(e)! - foreword by Guy Fieri."

Not far ahead, and at an intimidating 4-9, Jimmy's G-$tring$ (aka Geoff Westbook), is trying to butt his way through on this race to the bottom. No tool, nor hooked finger, could begin to pull Geoff's wedgie of a record from the nethers of his failed fantasy season. I don't mean to get cheeky, but how does the Lamar Jackson, Derrick Henry, Mixon owner not have at least a handful (maybe two handful) more wins? Perhaps when the league punishment turns out to be a back tattoo of Sam Darnold in drag, you'll try harder next year.

And lastly, we take a look at G-$tring$ more violent and less politically correct cousin (I mean honestly . . . Jimmy GrappleAHo? In the era of "hashtag me too"? You might be in need of a rebrand!), the league leader himself, Kenny Zelaya. I wish I had terrible things to say but I don't. Congrats on the 11-2 record! I'm just so envious of a manager that's kicking all our collective asses, while simultaneously rostering two kickers, two quarterbacks, and the decrepit corpse of David Johnson. My fantasy gods, what a low bar we must be setting as a league, that this may be our champion. If that comes to pass, I may need to spend another twelve weeks drinking beers and rethinking my life choices.

We've reviewed the highs and lows, but there are actual fantasy fates to be decided in the coming weeks, Lady and Gentlemen. We'll dive into those implications in next weeks penultimate matchups, so stay tuned!

But until then. good luck and see you all on the fake gridiron. . . Losers!