Week 1 :: In Memoriam

With week one in the books and waivers ran, it's only natural to want to look to the future and prepare for what mayhem the fantasy gods have in store for us next week. But before we set those lineups with the grim eternal optimism of all fantasy managers, let us reflect on the time we've shared. Let us remember how far we've already come by taking a closer look at some of week one's casualties; our managers slain by their own mismanagement, our fallen league mates deserving of an "Owen 1" jersey.

Honorable mention goes to "www.OnlyFants.com", a.k.a. Ron Young, for his near brush with victory over "Two Treys, NO Kupp" (a.k.a. me). It would have been a successful coup but for the 42.9 points scored by Amari Cooper. . . on his bench. It happens to us all, but when Devante Adams (10.6), Calvin Ridley (10.10) and Keenan Allen (23.00), your top 3 draft picks COMBINE for nearly the same total, it's a special kind of pain, reserved only for people who are clearly on the wrong side of karma. Perhaps, Ron yelled at his barista that morning for bringing him an americano instead of an espresso, or maybe it's because he prefers cats over dogs, I don't claim to know the minds of the gods, but either way, I'm sure he had it coming.

Our week 1, "What the Luck Happened" award (heretofore known as the WTL Award) goes to our very own, "Can You Take Me Kyler" a.k.a Dan Villalobos! Congrats, you've won a major award! This award goes to the player with the largest discrepancy between his or her weekly projected score (in this case 155.08) and their actual score (104.46). You might feel as surprised and disappointed right now as the city of Indianapolis circa August 2019, but hey, at least you have this amazing award to show for it. All Colts fans received as a consolation was 40 year old Matt Hasselbeck.

So Dan Villalobos, just WTL happened?! It looks like you started out ok with Kyler Murray, the number 1 overall QB on the week. And 27.5 from Chris Godwin, looks like you're setting the table for some fantasy goodness over here! What happened next?

Sutton and Calloway each with one reception for 14 yards? That doesn't seem right. Najee and Zeke combined for less than 12 points? The app must be broken or something. And of course, oft injured, fastest man in shoulder pads, Raheem Mostert out for the season after two plays. Dang, you must have really done something bad in a past life. Are you the second coming of Colonel Harlan Sanders, the butcher of North Corbin, Kentucky?! Do you have the blood of (attempted) chicken genocide on your hands?! All those buckets of dismembered, cholesterol-soaked poultry limbs! No one, and I mean no one, should eat an entire bucket of chicken, Colonel! Is that you Harlan, peering out from Dan's dewy brown eyes? Call me woke, or whatever, but I can see what's going on here.

I think the main takeaway from last week is obvious. Any fantasy analyst worth his salt will tell you. Karma kills.

So, if you're the spiritual type, or just plain superstitious, be sure to keep your cool when popping inside your local <insert trendy hipster coffee hang out here>, pat a dog on the head, and for the love of the gods, support your local politicians as we seek ways to pay reparations to all of chicken-kind for the historical (and present day) crimes of finger licking people world wide.

As always, see you on the fake gridiron . . .

Losers.