To the victor, the spoils :: To the loser, "unfortune and inglory"

And so it came to pass in the two thousand and twenty second year of the common era, the Fortune and Glory fantasy football league was won by now two time champ and full time misogynist Jimmy GrappleAHo (aka Kenny Zelaya). His glorious victory answered the age old question: If an unstoppable force met little resistance from his league mates, who would win? And that answer is Kenny wins. His 13 and 2 record, all while rostering two quarterbacks, two tight ends, AND two kickers, reminds us all that, even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in awhile, and that in life its always better to be lucky than good. Well, congrats man! Your check is in the mail, Ken. Enjoy spending it on duplicates of things you already have.

But enough adulation for GrappleAHo, and onto the main event. This is a site after all devoted to the losers, the failures, the bums. This is blog for the Unfortunate. A written record of the Inglorious.

Now, there are two "buy ins" to this little league of ours, one is a simple fee paid in US dollars, accumulated and awarded out the victor. Pretty standard really. The other is a Devil's bargain. One made by overly confident fantasy managers that cannot fathom finishing in last place, by league mates that, like a New York Jets fan, hold the glow of perpetual and misplaced optimism deep in their naïve bosom. Geoffrey Westbrook (aka Jimmy G$tring$) is one such manager and league mate, and as the league's loser his time has come to pay the Devil his due.

Geoffrey Westbrook seen here trying out but losing the role of "Jim" to Jason Biggs in 1999's "American Pie"

Oh Geoffrey, where did it all go wrong. They say you don't win the league in the draft, but one certainly can lose it there. Let's dive into some of your picks. Derrick Henry, Joe Mixon, and Darren Waller in the first three rounds. Ok, so I'll grant you the Derrick Henry and Waller injuries certainly set you back. That's just bad luck. Next year perhaps with more consistent offerings to the fantasy deities you will be spared you the same fate.

What about trades? Well, when I fleeced you for Kupp and Melvin Gordon in exchange for Mike Davis, Devonta Smith, and a really attractive bag of magic beans, you didn't do yourself any favors. But hey, we can't all be brilliant negotiators. It's a good thing you don't make a living off a similar skill set.

Oh, wait! You're an attorney and litigator. Well, geez now I feel bad. It was probably a better trade then I'm letting on. I'm sure Devonta Smith had an amazing rookie season, and Mike Davis wasn't complete dust. I'm not even going to look. I'm sure they did great.

Ok, I looked. Ouch. So this was a doomed season from the start for you. Oh well! Don't let that get you down though, Geoffrey. Lots of people cope with failure both in fantasy football and in their professional life. I mean, most of them don't have crushing student loan debt and families to feed, but they get by somehow. I know you'll pull through. I believe in you.

Westbrook pictured here admiring Caravaggio's "Well Endowed Dead Lady" at the Louvre, Paris 2002 before being removed by security.

As for Geoffrey's punishment -- aside from the photogenic embarrassment he historically poses to himself (may this blogpost also serve to remind us all to purge our social media profiles of embarrassing old snapshots), and the unkind words of your humble narrator, we still have one more matter to reveal. After an absolutely overwhelming number of submissions (namely the one I sent to myself), Geoffrey's participation ribbon will be . . .

First, let me just say that just because we're fantasy football players, does not mean that we don't live in the real world. And while the frivolity of this game we play and the good natured antics behind this site naturally belie this, we are actually good people who would like to leave the world and our communities in better shape for our involvement.

It is in that spirit that this year's punishment, bestowed upon Jimmy G-$tring$ aka Geoffrey Westbrook, will be to participate in a local 5k, in which I will enroll him, and he will be required to fulfill one of 2 criteria in participating: either Geoff must raise $1,000 for a charity of his choosing, or he must run the race in the following attire.

Geoffrey pictured above wearing his fabled "Jimmy G-$tring".

As for the rest of you, I bid you adieu. Till we meet again on the fake gridiron, may you spend your days in constant contemplation of your myriad mistakes, may you feel the weight of your worthless fantasy season, and may you truly know deep down that you are all enormous losers . . . losers!